The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
You Might Also Like
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said