ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
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As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam