Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
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My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this