How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
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You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
secret recipe
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.