Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
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Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
I need to get some bricks…
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
seems like a niche market
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up