news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
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AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
#Caturday
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
💯😂
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes