If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
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I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips