Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
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[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
2 years later
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Me in tagged photos
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
This is so me 😂😂
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD