step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
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you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
just left a huge legacy in there
FINE, I WON’T.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.