I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
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Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.