Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
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bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
“Wait, let me explain..”
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
#Caturday
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.