*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
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In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now