[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
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ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.