me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
You Might Also Like
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*