No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
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Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.