#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
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Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”