I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
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See..?
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I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
every. time.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken