“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
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5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not