Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
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Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Is your wife single?
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.