People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
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An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain