C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
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*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
My boss called in sick of me
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Just this preview of the story is enough
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT