Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
You Might Also Like
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
Happens to everyone.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!