Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
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The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
This is my cat’s medicine.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me