Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
You Might Also Like
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
“A little help here, Danny?”
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.