Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
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Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating