60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
You Might Also Like
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
👾👾👾
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”