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I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
🤣
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator