good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
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Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
damn he’s good
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.