My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
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Holy shit he’s back
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.