My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
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Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.