Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
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I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.