I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
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– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.