Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
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Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women