Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
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Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
6: are snakes just neck?
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.