Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
You Might Also Like
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.