I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
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Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
smartest karate player in the world
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
An odd boast
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.