why does this building look like a guilty dog
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Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”