[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
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How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
I know a bad idea when I see one.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha