The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
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Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation