“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
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If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
thinking about a very short hotdog
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa