how much for the angry fruit?
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I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler