interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
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Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Sooo many times…..
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING