Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
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I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse