My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
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This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.