My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
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My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
It’s an epidemic…
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Thoughts
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men