[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
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Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring