[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
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[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.