Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
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Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
plums roundup
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
the best thing i’ve ever made
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
worst…sale…ever
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat