My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
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Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
😂😂😂
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food