i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
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FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.